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Is it too much to ask to not be alone? So what did I do wrong?

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Tuesday, June 19th, 2007
8:00 pm - Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time.
So IM gonna update a little bit. 
I have not been on here since like feb.
And june is almost gone.

I cannot wait until riverfest, tts like the best thing of the summer and gin blossoms is going to be there this year <3
I went to wisconsin with my dad and his side of the family this summer already, I needed to get away so it was good, My little cousins was my shadow the whole time she is so damn cute. 

I wanna go to sic flags like bad or cedar point would be nice. 
and mexico tha would simply just be amazing. 

IM working all the damn time now I swear, but it is all good cause I was finally able to buy my own car. IM still not sure if I wanna go back to school or what. Im undecided with my life right now ti sucks.

My birthday sucked this year I did not do shit, i didnt even drink i havent done too much of that lately tho and that sucks, 
Kels and I are back on good terms for once. Thats awesome I missed her crazy ass. 
For once I got a b/f that treats me good, I prolly just jynxed myself tho with that. He got me pretty sapphire  earrings. i love them.

I have been to two wwe monday raws in the past couple of months  they were amazing, I still love wrestling lol.
until next time.

" Cause baby Im not alright when you go, Im not fine. PLease be all mine,,,"

current mood: content
but you'll sleep alone tonight
Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
8:15 am - You Left a hole where my heart should be..

That song^ is fucking amazing, I listen to it everyday. 

I havent updated in a long time and I felt like venting so here we go. 

Lets see, the all ameican rejects concert was fucking amazing. i twas my 3rd time seeing them live, and it was the best i been to i believe it was at the aragon ballroom. Me Shan and Kels went.  Me and kels got in the front row, it was amazing, Tyson brought out a blow up doll it was nuts. 

Christmas was good this year, I got an ipod, and my mom got me a necklace. I got clothes and other shit but those were my favorite. news year eve, eve. I found a cat at the canal, she was really little and it was raining so I took her home, we still have her here. I hope I can keep her, my bro named her patches. So we now have 3 fuckin cats.I would have 100 if i could lol. 

My dad and I are going to wwe monday night raw on the 26th of march im fucking excited as all hell. I havent been to match since fuckin 1999. We got shitty seats but at least we are going. 

Work I have been working all the time, i swear all i do is work and sleep it is nuts. I love my job tho, and i love working midnights. Im looking to buy a car in the near future im excited about it. And once that happens im gonna be applying other places. IM thinkin about applying at morris hospital. 
I passed all my cna tests thank god, thats one less thing I have to worry about. 

The other day was like the day of the exes, 2 of them fucking started talking to me on yahoo at like the same, it weirded me the fuck out since i havent talked to either of them in forever. 
I cant wait for the weather to get better, Im gonna try to walk alot more, and go to starved rock alot this year. another thing on my shoping list is a tredmill, shan has one and i like how when you run your at a certain pace so you dont get tired out so fast. 

"And I'd bleed for you, but you didn't care ot notice me.." 
changed the lyrics around a lil bit.

1 I hate it | but you'll sleep alone tonight
Monday, December 11th, 2006
12:00 am - Silly me for thinking, honesty is something

Lets see where to start.
This weekend was a fuckin drunkfest for me. Friday night got drunk for jords party, woke up at 10 am on saturday and started fuckin drinkin at 11:30 am at shannons house it was crazy. I drank for like 8 hours that day. 
I wasnt feeling to hot today at work, I came home and I took a long ass nap.

After Shannons I left around10 and met with Steve and Caitlyn for a late dinner at mr. Js I miss those bitches. Steve I went down to the river once again and just talked I miss that shit.  I was supposed to go to earlville friday but didnt cause i was too fuckin drunk to go anywhere my dad even drove me to mr. Js lol. 

Anyway Lets see.. Men
oh fuckin men
They are all the same, no matter how much they say they are not, they just fucking use you. They are fucking liars that never seem to get over their fuckin ex girlsfriends in my case. Stupid me for fuckin believing  all of thses fucking liars. "He wants to be in love" yea fuck that shit. Not even dating a month. I would kill someone of they told me they were in love after a month of dating jesus. and yet he wants to take it slow and shit what the hell. I will never get men a day in my life. and why I always fall for the fuckin lies all the fuckin time beats the hell out of me.
I am happy we broke up tho. I wasnt really feeling him we dated for like 3 weeks, and we didnt even kiss gay I know.  And this is why I hate fuckin relationships, cause somehow I always end up getting fucked over assholes. They Fucking still have to message ex girlfriends and shit God its pathetic when you are "with someone" jesus people should just be fuckin happy with the people they are with fuck.
I swear the only guys I will trust anymore is like Jordan and Steve.

God I am so sick of everyone, and all of their fucking bull shit.

but you'll sleep alone tonight
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
12:48 am - Everyone I know Goes away in the end

Hey bitches

So I watched this movie the other night "Jekyll+Hyde " it was fucking amazing well I thought so anyway. It is now one of my favorite movies. 

I got a new job as a CNA but at the same place I am working now so it isnt that bad, and plus i know all the people and like them so I got lucky. I am on midnights which I am glad cause I am up anyway. I am still a dietary Aide also tho until the 12th of dec. 

November like flew by, Christmas will be here before we know it. I am excited for it this year. I already got a few gifts for people. But I am now where being done. I wanna go shoppin when I get my next pay check. 

I was reading through some of my old entries it was weird and funny. Its weird on how much I have changed since like my first entry its crazy. 

People can be so fucking fake it is unbelievable, and I hate when people just fuckin say something to you and something completly different to someone else. 
"So what are we changing for, when we liked who we were before" This is soo fucking true. But I guess everyone changes jesus I know I have. 
"You shouldnt be so negative all the time" someone said to me. Well its kinda hard not to be when not even an hour of saying that to be.Shit went downhill jesus. 

" I lost all hope in you".

but you'll sleep alone tonight
Friday, November 10th, 2006
2:12 am - Feeling alone... and hes on my mind.
ahhh where to start.

I dont even know.
Alls i know is I dont think anyone reads my livejournal anymore it saddens me to see it like dead.

Wedsday was fun. we seriously just watched movies all day it was relaxing. I love just having movie nights and doing nothing at all but lay there.
Ahh I just dont freakin know. I felt good in his arms. I just dont know where this is all going to lead us. I wish I wasn't all afraid of relationships, I wish I didnt have the bad expierences I have had. But I know he aint like them. ahh why does shit always have to be soo damn complicating!

Venting again sorry, but that is what a journal is for right?

Steve an I hung out on tuesday night for the first time in forever I didnt see him since like graduation night, and he just like randomly called me and picked me up at like 11. It was nice, we had a good talk. I fuckin like miss his crazy ass.

Kels and I are finally back on like speaking terms, we were just so fuckin busy, and we kept assuming the other was pissed at eachother, so we never called. Which sucks. I feel like I have soo much to tell her in so little time.

My class is almost over. I wonder what will happen next.
I think a dental hygentist would be a cool job to have.
I am working thanksgiving now, but I dont mind, it is time and a half anyway.
I only have 3 more clinicals thank god. They are stressful.
The whole week of thanksgiving I have off of school whoot. That excites me greatly.

"I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away. I wanna make you go. I wanna make you stay...."

but you'll sleep alone tonight
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
5:55 pm - So sick, so sick of being tired.
hm so today I was going over facts about myself, and wanna jot them down so that is what I am going to do.

I have bigger hands than alot of guys, no joke.
I really think I should have been a guy.
I hate alot of girls
I hate alot of guys.
Sometimes I think I need anger managament.
I would rather hurt myself than get hurt by someone else.
I have never really gave out my heart to anyone, really. I mean even the guys I have dated never got close to it at all thank god.
I find love a scary thing.
Thats why I back away from it.
I am scared of giving my heart away.
and being in a relationship
most of all im scared of gettin hurt.
I am sick and tired of Ottawa I need to get away for awhile I think.
The only thing that has never fuct me over is my cat I swear.
I have not had a good conversation with my best friend in forever, that hurts.
People that are close to me have hurt me alot lately whether they know it or not.
I hate being used and lied to.
I do not want to be like how my parent are when I am older.
I would rather be alone the rest of my life than have a relationship like that.
Frozen strawberries make me feel better.
I cant wait for a movie night coming up.
I cannot wait to go see the All American Rejects live again.
I love my cat.
christmas is coming soon I cant wait for that.
Halloween sucked this year, besides the fact of all the scary movies that were on tv.
Alot of people cant figure me out.
Sometimes I cant even figure myself out.
people have said i live in a "fantasy world" How I wish this was true.
In dont trust alot of people.
I sometimes wonder what peoples real intentions are.
I hate easter time and everything that has to do with easter 1O bucks says someone I know dies around easter time, or gets hurt badly.
I miss my grandma alot. I think part of me died right along with her. Because I have not been the same since.
I had a dream about killing my neighbors recently it was kidna weird cause they tried to kill me first.
people think I will kill someone in my lifetime.
I dont see how they could think that haha.
I think it would have been cool to interview Jeffery Dahmer.
I seen a guy recently that hurt me more than the other 2 assholes, and i just wanted to hit him or cry not sure which one.
People think I have changed, well I think they have also. and I guess everyone changes.
I will never change myself for a boy.
I hate when girls have to be with a guy to feel good about themselves and go fuck them the first week of dating them.

These are all the things I have been wanting to say but no one had been around to hear them.
so there you go.

"Of all these things I should have said... But never got to. I would have never led you on, cause thats the difference."
but you'll sleep alone tonight
Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
2:53 pm - No more nights. no more pain...
Hey bitches.

Halloween was last night, it sucked. I didnt see like any little trick or treators at all, I remember when we were little running like bats out of hell to get to houses. And now parents and gay and like drive their kids everywhere. It did not even feel like halloween, I didn't go to fright fest, and even a haunted house so that sucked.

Tonight I am going to see Saw 3 whoot I cant wait I hope it is as good as the other 2, I am goin with Dustin, his sister, Derek and maybe Brady I think.

We already have fuckin christmas stuff up like our villages already. My dad is a crazy ass, and my mom wants to do the tree soon too they are nuts. We had christmas shit up with our halloween shit.

I think I am going to be gettin sick here soon, I havent been feelin so good lately which sucks.

" I've lost all hope in you"
but you'll sleep alone tonight
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
11:10 pm - This month I died a little everyday, but I'll smile just for you...
Well kids...
Basically live journal like fucking died or something, its sad, cause before myspace took over the world, this was our myspace...

Anyway I feel like venting today so that is what I am going to do.

Time, lately it feels like there is no time to do anything you want to do. It sucks, but than it feels like life is going to last forever when you try to think of what you'll be like in 5 years. I sure in the hell hate thinkin about the future it freaks me out.

Friends, yeah never see them except on some weekends, that bites, either im busy, or their busy, and we we just dont have a day to get together and just talk, I have been needing that lately just to talk yeah i dont think that is going to happen for awhile.

There is this boy I have been talking too... Im confused with my feelings on this one... its like I like him but than I dont know.. its crazy. But even if I do, I sure in the hell will not tell him. I would rather not know than to be shot down.

My cna class is going okay I guess. I have my last quiz on thursday and than comes the finals blah. i hope I do good on them. Clincals are kind of a pain, it would better if the staff at the VA werent such pricks but you know what can you do.

I have been thinkin about my grandma alot lately... I miss her terribly. I dont think dying would be so bad considering I would hopefully see her again. I dont think a day has gone by where I dont think of her. Its kind of hard not to when your around the elderly all the time literally.

I have been feeling empty inside lately and I am not liking it at all.
I am feeling like i did like almost 2 years ago...and it sucks.

"Now you see me... now you dont... Now you need me.... now you dont...
but you'll sleep alone tonight
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
1:42 am - Dont say a word, I know you feel the same, just give me a sign. Say anythig Say anything.
So fuckers!!!!!

I went to the Good Charlotte concert On sunday, and it was fucking amazing,
The show was way better than the last one I went too, but not as good as the first one.
They started of with The anthem, it was awesome.
And the only song they played on their "self titled" cd was FUCKING SEASONS!
My favorite song by them, that I have never heard live before! It was amazing, and had chills the whole fucking song.
ON my video cam on my phone Benji like comes out of the fog and fuckin waves to me i about died lol, I was like in the 2nd row general admission, so i was closer cause I was like on top of people lol.
Anyway the concert was fuckin awesome, they ended with life styles as they always do, and played 2 new songs "keep your hands off my girl" as on their myspace, and "Misery"-that was a awesome song also. I cannot wait for their new cd.
The pink spiders sucked, i fucking was in like misery when they were playing, he cannot sing, and he sounds the same for all the song, the only thing i understood of him singing was like "razorblade. she, fire, and fuck" lol I hate them.

Young love-was fuckin awesome, and did super good live, and i love how the lead singer dances, they were fun".

So after the concert me and Brit, and the 2 girls Jamie and Sara that we met there, all waited, well me i was all over the place lookin for the guys, and the first one i spoted was Joel, and he was the only one behind like a caution sign thing Gay, so I cut in line, cause i didnt think he was going to stay for the whole line, so i got right up there and got my pic and autograph, he didnt even say like 2 words, kinda mean. and he didnt even stay to meet all the people the fuckin guards todl tog et in the back of the line.
The next one I seen was Paul, I was the only one that was like near him and he was talking to his mom so I waited, and then got my pic and sutograph he was super nice, i told him happy B-day and he gave me a hug, he was cool as hell.
Then Benji, was by one of the buses and once again i cut in front of people, and he signed my cd, and got a pic with me, he was nicem but busy at leats he tried to talk.
and then I waited a long time for Billy to come out, but he finally did, and by that time alot of people were gone, he was really nice, and talked also.

Jere from Mest was there also, I got my pic with him that was my 4th time meeting him, he was nice as always.

oh yeah Hilary slutface Duff was there, she was on the side of the stage where i was at, watching the concert, where she could be seen, she was all trying to sing the words, and could not to save her fucking live, I hate her, Joel kept like looking at her and giving her weird looks through the whole damn concert, god i hate that bitch. I flipped her off, and if looks could kill the girl would be dead right now.

Anyway, there it is, it was awesome, and I finally got to meet them! Never thought it would ever happen but it did!

Thats all I have for now

" You said you could fix anything"

current mood: happy
but you'll sleep alone tonight
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
11:19 pm - So fuck your rules man, because here comes my fury
So Bitches


I cannot fucking wait, it is this sunday coming up! The show was all sold out, and my cousin Harry got me tickets on fucking ebay for me, as my christmas gift, he fuckin rules!  As of right now life is good and going my way for once in my life. 

Anyway Nothing new has been happening, I am in school right now studying to be a CNA "nursing assitant" Im still not sure if I wanna go all the way and get my RN or not, sometimes i think that it is just not for me. 
After i get the certificate Im going to try and get a job where I work now, or at the place I am training at, considering they get paid 17 bucks an hour!

Halloween is coming up it is my favorite holiday next to Christmas. 
I am trying to convince my dad into going to a wrestling match "wwe" on sunday the 29th, I hope he says yes.

Ray moved into her own house with her b/f., its nice for a starter home.
I also got a new phone my liek 1980s phone is gone :( it makes me sad, but i love my new phone lol.

Anyway that is my update i need to start updating more in this fuckng thing, myspace has like taken over me

" While I'm wishing on the stars, your collecting little scars"

current mood: excited
but you'll sleep alone tonight
Monday, August 28th, 2006
1:04 am - When they say your not that strong, your not that weak, its not your fault...
Well Bitches. 

Alls I have to say for right now is that 

Good Charlotte, Is finally going back on tour. And I will walk to the metro in chicago if I have too, to go see them again.

and that lately I have been in really good moods, for once.

oh and I think my little cat is dead :( I have not seen him in like a week or more, I do not know what Happened to him, maybe he will find his ay back home.

current mood: chipper
1 I hate it | but you'll sleep alone tonight
Friday, July 14th, 2006
12:42 am - And if you should ever leave me, I would crumble thats just the way I am...
Well it has been like forever since my last update.
I might be the only one who still updates since myspace has literally taken over the world.
Nothing has been going on lately at all which sucks because its summer, and it is not going how I wanted it too
Hopefully me and Shan will go to six flags on wednesday that would make me happy. 

Live journal is all different now, I am not used to it. 

I have been dreaming about babies lately I have had 3 dreams about them, it is kind of creeping me out, I think someone is going to die soon or something, or someone close to me is going to get pregnat or some shit like that who knows. I wonder where in the hell dreams come from anyway they are fuckin weird. 

So what has been going on since my last update
Well that guy still tries to talk to me and shit, he is gay and a little asshole fucker. I hate guys.

My aunt maryanne passed away, she always babysat me when I was little, she knew everyone birthday that she caed for literally every b-day I had she would call like at 8 am to wish me a happy b-day she was always the first one to wish me a happy b-day and this year on my b-day i got a call from her in the morning the and I was the last person to recieve a b-day call from her. Its going to be werid not getting a call from her anymore, i always looked forward to it.

So I am def. not the same anymore

IN the beginning of the summer I went to six flags with some of the people in my senior class, that was really fun, thats really the only place I have went too over the summer. 

My cat is sick I think, I have no idea what the fuck I will do when he dies, I wont come outta the house for a few days.

I have not been to a concert in forvever and that fuckin sucks I wanna go to one i dont care which one at this point. 

I also think my family has powers and I am not even being gay. 
and I miss my gram like you would not believe 
so these are my thoughts just typed out, and non of them are in order.

I had a dream about college last night and almost woke up crying it was scary, and i kinda just dont even wanna go.
"These are my thoughts written down on paper, its my only savor, from not saying what I want to say"

current mood: confused
7 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
9:25 am
Disregard that whole last entry about that boy
He is a dickhead, who is a cheater, and was engaged the whole fuckin time, if anyone wants to team up with to beat his fuckin face in please let me know.
3 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
Friday, May 5th, 2006
6:36 pm - God knows even Angels fall...
One day its heaven, one day its hell

 That is soo true. 
So I have no idea What I am getting myself into, alls I know is I like how I am feeling lately, I guess thats all that counts right?

So what Has Taylor been up y lately, she didnt go to prom.
I guess there is a reason why I didn't tho I could have died oe something if I did 

Me and Kels went to Calebs house on Prom that was fun , I met a kid that litteraly died 4 times and he is the nicest kid in the world and he got beat up.. I hate people. 

I like a boy, and how he makes me feel, not sure what to do about a BIG PROBLEM!

I wish I had the answers to everything that would rock.

Ever just feel like no one will listen to you, or talks like really talks to you anymore? Well thats how I feel and thats why I am not saying much about shit. 

I know have lost respect for a person

And I want to kill a girl that I dispise with all that I have If I seen her walking on the street, I would pray to God to stop me before I killed her. 

"Theres nothing good about goodbye:"

3 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
Friday, April 7th, 2006
12:10 am

"Im not who I once used to be"

I have been gettin that alot lately I guess...

Ever just feel like what te fuck am I here for? You cant amke non one happy with what ever you do, your advice just goes to shit, No one cares anymore, so Why should I?

"Love" what the fuck is love anyway? Whatever it is I sure in the hell cannot find it.

People expect soo much fuckin shit from me, that i think I am ready to have a goddamn breakdown.

the future of the future what can say about that? Well im scared to fuckin death I will prolly make it to be nothing in this world sometimes I feel like I would be better off dead than trying to face the hardships that are coming my way.

I have been sad alot lately, and that is one of the reasons why and that easter is coming how I wihs it wasnt even a holiday I dont think it should be!

I hate when people are like what are you going to do for the rest of your life? Like I fuckin know im not even out of highschool yet Jesus.

IM not even going to my fuckin senior prom how pathetic is that? I cant even get a god damn date to go to my senior fuckin prom... My dream, was to go, and look what happened? Dreams dont come true at all.
and for once I wanted to be asked and not have to do the mans job. This is pissing me off more than anything and i dont think anyone is getitn that,

I hung out with Rachel and JC this weekend liek the whole weekend, it was good we sat and we drank, we talked about serious shit and rachel did the "redum" thing as seen on the shinning it was the funiest shit of my life lmao. Rays baby is the cutest thing ever!

I am even gettin fuckin sick now, god damn it. My mom was home today really sick and I think I am getting what she has because we pretty much have the same symtoms and shit great...

"I dont understand how people can hurt the ones the are supposed to love, and feel guilty about it, but still do it anyway, but the ones they love have no idea what is happening to them"

I dont think anyway will get what I just wrote, nor do I expect you too, this one is between me and who ever is out there that knows what I am talking about.

So I had a dream about a fire, and my stove caught on fire today, I wonder if theres any connection... weird dreams are very fuckin weird

" And now it seems that I have found.. Nothing at all"
4 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
9:44 pm - Somebody tell me why, Two lovers in love, cant make it...
SO I figured it is time for an update.

I have been feeling sick alot lately, like I dont know how to explain it I just have.

My mom and I still have not had a full conversation that was not a fight for liek 2 weeks now, She really bugs me alot of the fuckin time. And my dad isnt no help, its like whenever I want to talk to him I fuckin have to say his name liek 5 fuckin time so he will listen to me, he shows no concern half of the time, and they wonder why i get all pissed at them and shit.

I got my cap and gown the other day, it still has not fuckin hit me that i am going to be graduating in less than 2 months, crazy crazy crazy. Its really fuckin scary.

Prom..... Fuck man I feel like it is going nowhere fast, everyone is already fuckin going, and nothing is helping this matter right now, and im sure the dress I want is fuckin already gone. I refuse to miss my senior prom, and everytime an idea comes up for a date, that idea somehow just like fades away.

This weekend will hopefully be fun I want to go to foxvally and go to olive garden really bad. I want to see "stay alive", "Shes the man" and some other movies.

Lets see easter is coming up, i hate easter, I wish it wasnt even like a holiday, easter was always really boring to me, and plus bad thigns always happened to my grandma around this time.
I miss her alot, I think this is what half of my problem is lately, it sucks not being able to go see the one person you knew would never judge you, hate you for anything. I would give anything just to be able to talk to her again.
IM not lookin forward to the "easter season" at all.

I am like craving to go see hawthorne heights, october fall, and the all american rejects in April! I hope We can find a ride or something.

I kinda just realized on how much I hate a boy, and what he did to me, it is not the boy everyone will think it will be, this boy Hurt me more I do believe, I was talking about him, and it just made me very angry, why do boys have to be such dicks? Why cant I find one good fuckin guy? "something good in my life comes and than just gets taken away" happens everytime.

"Nothing can last in this life"
3 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
9:12 pm - And all I ask is your save me your last dance....
I should be cleaning right now but I felt like updating,

IM soo fuckin tired lately I dont think it is normal

Im addicted to the new october fall cd literally it is fuckin amazing, I am soo looking forward to seeing them live.

I def. Missed the Mest show that fucking sucked my ticket went to waste and all, didnt even get to sell it fuck! That really upset me that I missed their last show ever.

This world is like coming to an end I swear everything just keeps gettin worse and worse.

Senior retreat
I wanted to slap some people, it was basically a sob fest and a smoking fest.
I cried in one speach, one speach only, cause he cried and it kiled me to see him like that it really did I wanted to go over there and take all his pain away if that was possible I would do it without even thinking twice about it.

I want this prom dress, I want my mom to go with me shoppin for a dress, I want a date, I need a date, things seem so immposible.

I have been feeling weird about everthing lately
IM graduating in less than like 9 weeks now,

Wherre in the hell did the time go? It seems just yesterday I was wlaking into a bigger school, with older kids, and my biggest problem was how in the fuck do get my locker open. I wish things were like that again. So less complicated,
Now its like what am I doing for the rest of my life? That is such a scary feeling, to have no idea what direction you are going im ready for a fuckin emotional break down from thinkin about the future too much. Honestly I dont think people know how fuckin scared I am to move on and shit, and like be out on my own its a scary fuckin thought, I am really thinkin abou giving my mom like 50 bucks every pay check if i can just to have money saved incase i need it or something. Im sick of spending my money on shit I dont need.

I wish I was like 7 again, things were soo less complicated, and boys like non existant, all that mattered was you and your best friends sleepovers. Thinkin shit was soo cool back then, but laugh at how gay they really were now is sad, its like everything is taken away from you.

When your so little your so innocent, how I wish I could be that little again. No worries.

Interum was fun I went skiing and got a badass scrape on my arm it is kickass I will ahve something to remember it by.
Skiing is soo much fun I want to go again.
i fell asleep and everyone got locked out of the room, lol i didnt wake up for nothing until the phone rang like 20 mins in a row.

I fell alot skiing than i got the hang of it.

The movie "white noise" creeps me out like hardcore I wonder if shit like that really happens>?

but anyway shower, cleaning, and laundry time

"goodbye for now"
2 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
10:48 pm - I've been addicted to you good bye my lover, goodbye my friend u have been the one for me
Im so mad I could scream
Im so sad I could cry
Im so happy I could cry
Im so fuckin agravated by people I could rip my hair out
IM so stressed out I could bleed
I feel so sick I could puke
I am so tired I could sleep for days straight

Feeling this all in one? and still have other feelings in my fuckin head, im surprised I am not dead yet.

I dont knwo how I feel about anything anymore, I am soo sick of trying for anything to work out, when all I get is fuckin blank fuckin stares and shit, or no one to talk to at all. What ever

I think I feel more for other people than they really do for me.

I see sadness everywhere I turn around anymore, people hiding their pain by their fake ass smiles all the time, how can not feel anything but depressed?

People have broken hearts, and no one is there for them to turn to and talk to them about it.

I am really just sick of this life, i feel like im going nowhere fast, and no one seems to get that, I cant even tlak to my closest friend about all of this shit anymore.

My friend Andrea is having a real hard time right now, I think I feel it more than she does.

Why do bad things happen to the best of people?

and in this world secrets dont exist anymore,
I feel like everyone talks about me behind my back.

I think I just might be going insane or something? I dont know.

"IM only human", how come people only say that when they have done something bad? they dont ever say "I'm only human when they rescue a kid from a fire.

I really need to vent, let alot of shit out, be released somehow. I think I know how.

current mood: sleepy
3 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
8:45 pm - I'd like to say a few things to you, about the way I feel inside
Hey hoes

So this weekend was really fuckin fun actually
IM bored to death right now and listening to music, I really hope i didnt have any homework cause I didnt do shit this weekend so here goes nothing

Friday-big game agaisnt serena great game and the serena boys played their hearts out, but in the end MHS came back and won by 2 points in over time.
At half time we were down by 11, we came back like no other shit tho in the 2nd half and did great. I was screaming like no other, im surprised is till have my voice, the game sold out, so we won the reginals we are going onto sectionals now, me and my pops are going cant wait~

That night- came home ate pizza, went on the pc, and heard fuckin Hilary Duff outside my window, I booked it the fuck out and caught up with Alex who was in my crazy ass neighbors yard lol, and we talked in Kristys car for a lil bit.

Saturday- I had to work at 6 am, it wasnt so bad tho cause I was working with Tom, and me and him talked like the whole fuckin time about everything pretty much, boys, girls, the army, parties, drinking, cheaters, ex'es. You fuckin name it we talked about it. It made the 8 and half hours go by soo much faster.
Came home got reayd to go to foxvalley with Kelsey and Kristy good fuckin time! good talks on the way back , and we made her listen to Mest on the way up and how amazing their lyrics are. We got to the mall kept trying to push Kirsty into hotties lmao. and met a hottie at the hottopic there, he was sarcastic, but it was all good.
I got the new October Fall cd it is FUCKIN AMAZING!!!! im in fuckin love! amazing amazing!
and I got the new matchbook romance cd, I know this should have all gone too the ski trip and warm clothing but I oculdnt pass up gettin the october Fall cd, I got a magazine also.
Gas there was 1.99 at Gascity ot some shit like that I was happy.

We came home, seen if my bro had anyone over. he didnt so we left, and drive around, than we got a call from the earlville boys, wanting us to come out, so we went and just stayed the night there, I crashed gettin a massage, I like passed the fuck out, and woke up in the morning to kelsey like laughing or something, and than coming to lay with me lmao weird. it was fun tho, just like chilin with your guy friends and not doing anything with them, I like whne you can have guy friends like that. But before that
Me and Kels were driving and all the sudden this fuckin hottie was driving on the side of us and he rolled down the window, and so we rolled down ours and he said something like " we were driving and we noticed you 2 ladies are the finest ladies we have seen in Ottawa tonight, and we were wondering if you would want to assist us in helpin us get tattoos like looking for a parlor lmao, so we were driving super slow talking to them a cop even passed us lmao. the guy in the passenger seat litterally looked liek Pizza from school "gross" but the guy in the back and the driver were banging" it made me and kels laugh"

So me and Kels finally had a good conversation just me and her, like ti used to be, I miss that. I really do, she todl me things about ymself tha didnt really notice and what not I thank her. Its about time we had one of those talks we havent in awhile.

We came home really early in the fuckin morning, liek we got ome before 8 am it was sad, and I looked dead. lol
we talked on the way home too.

I got home did dishes and shit cause my rents were gone.
I think going away next weekend too :)

Today I was watching titantic
and i went in my rents room and took a nap but i could still hear the tv, and i was listening to the music like at the end of the movie, and omg it made me extremly sad, like i felt like cryying but I couldn't I was s sad by it tho and Im not sure why but i wanted to like ball my eyes out.

Anyway thats all i can think of to say.

" I know your out there somewhere out there"
but you'll sleep alone tonight
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
9:52 pm - You tried another Suicide. Well next time.. Cut harder...
"Use these words to slit your throat, that meant the words I just wrote"

Well I have new everything, my live journal was all fuct up, not letting me see comments or anything so it is all new, I am still trying to figure out how to get a background image so it can be seen, like make my posts smaller other than that, somehow I figured it all fuckin out, it took me like 3 hours tho.

I should have been doing my fuckin english instead but oh well, this is done and out of the way for now.

This weekenend

Thursday- went to earlville- Alex and I had another rumble cause they ahd Hillary playing in the car, she is the one thta always has to "restrain me" but yeah I used my body to push her ass out of the car, it worked. I had a good tlak with Frankie first time we didnt like fight physically, and me and Ryan had a nice chat too.

Friday- went to the show in Ladd, got pushed into the mosh pit, fell down because a guy flew out of nowhere and pushed me lmao, i didnt fall tho i caught myself lol and than we tried to get alex in there she fought back tho. Went to my aunts out around 12:30 m and bullshitted with my aunt lori and my mom until 5 am! crazy, there was crying, laughing, aunt Lori almost passin out on the table, and fighting.

Saturday- Me kels, Larry, Jc, and Frankie Cheeks went to the movies, we seen date movie gay! I wanted to see fuckin 8 below but no one else did.

Sunday- went to the mall with drea Fox Vally I finally drove there by myself it was exciting! and ate at olive Garden for the first time ever omg ti was awesome! Sunday night did nothing at all!

Monday I worked

IM excited about my new livejournal page, and I did a little more on the info.
Cause yeah Im that bored.

Things are so weird, I dont think IM ready to go into the "real world" just yet like i dont know if this whole "college" thing is for me. I eman I know I want to further my education I just dont know what i want to do with my life. I cant see myself IN 10 years at all, it kinda scares me, the future freaks me out. Im stressing out about alot, I shouldn't be but I am.

I dont like how I have been lately, I think I have been acting different, or maybe it is other people that are, I dont know.

I watched part of elephant this morning, I love that movie, how it i filmed, how ever one had their point of view on how the day went, the actors/actresses... the plot I just fuckin love it, I didnt wanan go to school so I could watch it all.

Well time for English

Until next time

" to you my favorite mistake"

current mood: stressed
2 I hate it s| but you'll sleep alone tonight
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